NORWEGIAN CULTURE:

How to get romantically involved with a Norwegian

Two people sitting by a table on a dinner date.
Two people sitting by a table on a dinner date.

Every society has its own traditions, rituals, and unwritten social codes; you need to understand and learn these codes. This is the first step towards feeling at home and creating long-lasting ties – or even romantic relationships – with people from different cultures.



Two people sitting at a table having a coffee, looking happy.
Two people sitting at a table having a coffee, looking happy.

Romantic relationships

Flirting is subtle in Norway. Politeness codes between genders are representative of their equality and so is the romantic logic.

There are gender interactions that may not be common in all cultures.

It may require some adaptation.

There is great openness in the way people dress and the way people of all genders interact.

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Several couples in a park, all holding hands with hearts displayed over them. Some are sitting on benches, some are walking around.
Several couples in a park, all holding hands with hearts displayed over them. Some are sitting on benches, some are walking around.

Gender interaction

Ever since I was 12 years old, I have been told to open doors for women, to walk on the right side of the sidewalk, to serve wine to women first.

A man holding the door to a café for a woman while saying; S'il vous plait mademoiselle. The woman looking at him saying; I can open the door myself!
A man holding the door to a café for a woman while saying; S'il vous plait mademoiselle. The woman looking at him saying; I can open the door myself!

When I got to Norway, women told me that they could open doors themselves. That I should not change sides to be between them and the cars, and they were suspicious that I was trying to get them drunk when serving them wine.

Two settings where a man pours wine for a woman during dinner. In one setting the woman is thinking; What a well educated guy!. In the other the woman is thinking; Is he trying to et me drunk?
Two settings where a man pours wine for a woman during dinner. In one setting the woman is thinking; What a well educated guy!. In the other the woman is thinking; Is he trying to et me drunk?

Gender equality

The Norwegian culture idealises the idea that both genders have the same role in society. Kids grow up with the idea that no difference exists between boys and girls. There is no such thing as gender roles in Norway.

The result is an equal society.

To a foreign eye, men’s behaviour may appear feminine and women’s behaviour may appear masculine. Both care for children, lead businesses, do manual work and work as police officers and soldiers.

Men and women have interchangeable roles in Norwegian society. The following situations are totally normal in Norway.

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Two settings where a family is preparing dinner. In one setting a man is coming home from work while a woman makes dinner. In the other a woman is coming from work while a man prepares dinner.
Two settings where a family is preparing dinner. In one setting a man is coming home from work while a woman makes dinner. In the other a woman is coming from work while a man prepares dinner.

And so are these ones! Normal and representative for Norwegian society. And Canadian society too for that matter.

We Canadians in Norway had a great role model – our former ambassador. He came with his husband. They were received by the king and welcomed by the society as a married couple.
With all the rights and merits of a married couple.

Two settings where a family is preparing dinner. In one picture a man comes home to his husband, in the other a woman comes homes to her wife.
Two settings where a family is preparing dinner. In one picture a man comes home to his husband, in the other a woman comes homes to her wife.

Eye flirting

In many places around the world
you flirt. You smile. You look in her
eyes from the opposite side of the
coffee shop. Girls may often respond.

A man and a woman sitting on different tables looking at each other. He is thinking; Wow! She seems to be a very nice girl. Let's flirt. She is thinking; This good looking guy tries to flirt. Let's play him a little.
A man and a woman sitting on different tables looking at each other. He is thinking; Wow! She seems to be a very nice girl. Let's flirt. She is thinking; This good looking guy tries to flirt. Let's play him a little.

In Norway, looking at unknown people
is not a common way to flirt.

It is just weird.

Norwegians may wonder what you
are after and look sceptical.

A man and a woman sitting on different tables looking at each other. She is thinking; Why is this weird guy looking at me?
A man and a woman sitting on different tables looking at each other. She is thinking; Why is this weird guy looking at me?

Compliments

Men around the world compliment women. It is part of the social ritual in many countries. Women usually appreciate and expect compliments.

A man sats;
A man sats; "You look beatiful today!" to a woman. The woman is blushing.

Norwegian men tend to be more practical. They will imply compliments rather than voicing them directly. For good reasons. They have learnt that paying too much attention and giving direct compliments to Norwegian women may not get the desired results.

Norwegian women love to be
independent and free.

A man looks at a woman thinking; Wow, she looks beautiful today! He says; did you get a haircut? to her.
A man looks at a woman thinking; Wow, she looks beautiful today! He says; did you get a haircut? to her.

Norwegian women are not used to receiving compliments. Keep that in mind.
They may appreciate it – or not.

Do not overdo it.

You may easily scare a Norwegian.

While French and Italians are experts in the art of seduction.

Two settings where a man talks to a woman. In the first setting an Italian man proclaims his love to the woman by saying; Who needs Michelangelo when the perfect piece of art is right in front of me? In the second setting a French man proclaims his love to the woman by saying; If the last thing I saw before I died was you, I know I would have gone to heaven!
Two settings where a man talks to a woman. In the first setting an Italian man proclaims his love to the woman by saying; Who needs Michelangelo when the perfect piece of art is right in front of me? In the second setting a French man proclaims his love to the woman by saying; If the last thing I saw before I died was you, I know I would have gone to heaven!

Norwegian men are a little more practical. They have learnt that if they do like the French or Italians do, they may never see the Norwegian women again.

They express the same thing, but they do it in a more subtle manner. “Not only did I notice you had eyes, but I noticed they were blue”.

This indicates to a woman that they noticed her, which is already a big thing in Norway. Be sincere in your praise and subtle in your compliments.

A Norwegian man showing interest in a woman by saying; Your eyes are very blue!
A Norwegian man showing interest in a woman by saying; Your eyes are very blue!

Never whistle at a woman. Never call
her names. Never touch her. Do not
look at her body, whatever she
is wearing.

Norwegian women are free to
wear whatever they wish.

Three men standing outside a store as a woman approaches. The men shout things like;
Three men standing outside a store as a woman approaches. The men shout things like; "Oh la la", "Hi, there!", "Chiquita", "Come here! Let's play". The woman looks confused and annoyed.

The Norwegian dating model

Dating in Norway requires some adaptation. After experimenting for some time I started
to appreciate the Norwegian way.

In most countries around the world, when
you meet a woman you like you say “hi”.

A man walking up to a woman while saying; Hi!
A man walking up to a woman while saying; Hi!

This is the normal timeline for dating in most countries around the world.

You invite her on a date.

If that works well …

You invite her on a second date.

If that works well …

You invite her for dinner.

… and if that works well …

Then maybe something
else will happen!

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A timeline showing someone meeting, then going for coffee on a first date, then going for a second date, then going to dinner on a third date, before ending up in bed together.
A timeline showing someone meeting, then going for coffee on a first date, then going for a second date, then going to dinner on a third date, before ending up in bed together.

In Norway it looks a little bit different.

It usually starts in a bar or on Tinder.

A man and a woman meeting in a bar, greeting each other by raising their glasses.
A man and a woman meeting in a bar, greeting each other by raising their glasses.

Then there is a fast-forward process.

A man and a woman in bed having sex. The man blushing slightly.
A man and a woman in bed having sex. The man blushing slightly.

 

If you wake up the next morning and the person is still next to you, you invite them on a date.

If that works well …



A man and a woman on a date having a coffee.
A man and a woman on a date having a coffee.

You go back here.

If that still works well, and only then, can you say hi if you meet in the hallway.

Then you invite the person on a second date.
And then for dinner.

Because dinners in Norway are a result of an established relationship, not a way of getting to know people!

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A man and a woman in bed having sex. The man blushing slightly.
A man and a woman in bed having sex. The man blushing slightly.

The Norwegian
Dating Timeline

A timeline where someone meets in a bar, then ending up in bed together, then going for a coffee on a first date, then ending up in bed together, then saying Hi when they meet, then going for a coffee on a second date, then going for a dinner on a third date.
A timeline where someone meets in a bar, then ending up in bed together, then going for a coffee on a first date, then ending up in bed together, then saying Hi when they meet, then going for a coffee on a second date, then going for a dinner on a third date.

Inviting someone on a date

A potential partner may invite you on a date in an indirect manner, and you may not notice it is an invitation. Even less that it is a date. It may well be something practical, to play together or to do a sport together.

She may simply inform you of what she plans on doing. She will probably not even invite you to join. But make you feel that you can “join if you want to” and that you do not “need to if you are busy”.

She is creating a safe framework that is non-committing – Uforpliktende*. It is up to you to decide to join. You actually haven’t been invited, you have been informed of something happening and made aware that if you decide to join no one would mind.

Everyone can leave at any moment without any awkwardness.

Remember – Norwegian women are very independent.

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A woman and a man talking. She says; I am going to the cafeteria to eat lunch. He is thinking; So nice that she invites me for lunch.
A woman and a man talking. She says; I am going to the cafeteria to eat lunch. He is thinking; So nice that she invites me for lunch.

A Norwegian romantic date

In many countries around the world you will invest time and effort to make the woman you like feel special. You want her to feel like you really care about her. You will try to create a setting which is elegant and full of small details. You will try to make it truly exceptional.

Two people on a romantic date in a restaurant. Someone playing romantic music in the background, and waiters ready to serve nice food. Love in the air.
Two people on a romantic date in a restaurant. Someone playing romantic music in the background, and waiters ready to serve nice food. Love in the air.

You will want her to feel like she is the
only one for you, like the world has stopped
around her, like she is truly special.

Two people on a date having dinner by themselves on the top of a mountain. Beautiful scenery, nice sunset.
Two people on a date having dinner by themselves on the top of a mountain. Beautiful scenery, nice sunset.

In Norway, it does not work like this.

What you need to do when you invite a girl on a date is to make sure that she can escape at any moment.

She should not feel trapped. She should not feel like she owes you anything. She should feel equal to you.

Do not pay. Do not prepare anything special. Do not put in more effort than she does.

Simply make her feel that you both are equal and that she is free to leave at any moment. The same applies if you are a woman going on
a date with a Norwegian man.

Chances are he will focus on leaving an exit for you. This is not necessarily a lack of interest.

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A man and a woman on a date having dinner. Several neon-signs around them with the word EXIT written in capital letters.
A man and a woman on a date having dinner. Several neon-signs around them with the word EXIT written in capital letters.

Norwegian girls do not want to feel like they owe you something, or that they send signals they do not want to send. Paying for a drink or for dinner, or anything else for that matter, may easily be interpreted as an attempt to make a down payment for future favours.

A man and a woman on a date, them man calls for the waiter and gets the bill. The woman says
A man and a woman on a date, them man calls for the waiter and gets the bill. The woman says "Thank you" to the man.

Norwegian woman may feel trapped.  They may shift away from you – or friend-zone you.

Be equal and independent instead.

A man and a woman on a dinner date. The waiter is there with the check. The woman asks if they can pay separately.
A man and a woman on a dinner date. The waiter is there with the check. The woman asks if they can pay separately.

Sources:

  • Bourrelle, Julien S.: The Social Guidebook to Norway – An illustrated introduction (2022) Drammen, Mondå forlag
  • Bourrelle, Julien S.: The Social Guidebook to Norway 2 – Friendships and Relationships (2022) Drammen, Mondå forlag

Illustrations: Elise H. Kollerud