NORWEGIAN CULTURE:
How to make a Norwegian friend
Several people having dinner and enjoying themselves. The title "How to make a Norwegian friend" displayed above the drawing.
Norwegians are peaceful, helpful and trustworthy. They are often shy, reserved, well-behaved, well-organised, calm, efficient, pragmatic and serious.
Understanding the peculiar Norwegian social dynamics, behaviours and norms is difficult and it takes time and effort. You need to take the initiative, but carefully and within a well defined social framework. You need to understand why, how and where social interactions take place.
If you succeed, you will be able
to make life-long friends.
Several people having dinner and enjoying themselves together.
A Norwegian friend
A few years back, I asked a Norwegian man what a good friend was. He was silent for a while and said, “A good friend is someone I can sit alone in a room with in silence and feel comfortable”.
Norwegian friends are special friends.
Two people sitting by the fireplace talking.
How to make friends
In many cultures we build friendships by giving and receiving, by offering and owing. We bring gifts, invite others for dinner and invest time to show that we are interested in building a friendship.
In Norway it does not really work like this.
Norwegians do not like to owe others anything, they like things to be equal.
A person giving a gift to another person.
How to make Norwegian friends
The starting point is what is called “frame activities” or organised activities. Get involved, do something practical and physical first. Sign up in a forening*. Unframed conversations, discussing ideas and the sharing of meals will follow.
In Norway, there are organisations for everything. Look for an organisation that fits one of your interests or hobbies.
Join it.
Contribute to the organisation. You will become part of the social bubble around the activity.
Social bubbles are special in Norway.
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Different activities taking place behind different fences. a group working out, a group playing soccer, a group dancing and a group playing classical instruments.
Take the Norwegian hytte* for example. Many Norwegian families have a hytte. This is a good example of a social bubble. If Norwegians make friends at the hytte, these are hyttevenner*.
It means that they are friends with them at the hytte, and only at the hytte. They cannot ask them to come over to play cards or have a snowball fight when they are in the city, even if they live in the same city, or the same neighbourhood.
Your families both own a hytte next to each other. There is a reason to create a social connection, and you have a frame to socialise and common things to talk about: where to go skiing, who can build the weirdest snowman, who is the overall Yahtzee champion etc.
It is safe when you are at the hytte and talk about hytte activities. If you sit in silence at the hytte, it will not be an awkward silence.
Because you are hyttevenner at the hytte.
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A group of people sitting at a table by a fireplace in a cabin playing yatzy.
In town, you are outside that secure hytte framework. What if you have nothing else to, talk about and it becomes silent?
Silence is awkward with hyttevenner in the city. The risk is too high for potential awkwardness. It is much better to hang out with city friends in the city.
Norwegian friendships are often linked to an activity or a setting. Social bubbles that form around such frame activities are rigid. Meaning that you can interact with others part of the same bubble only at a specific time, place or setting. You will talk with hyttevenner at the hytte because both of your families have hytter at the same place. This is a bubble.
Keep interactions within the bubble at the hytte.
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Two people running into each other in the city. Having an awkward conversation. One asks if the other is going to the "hytte" soon, the other one is thinking; I have to leave now.
Introductions
When you meet someone you know you introduce the person you are with. This is basic politeness in most places.
One person introducing two people saying; Bob, this is Henry. Henry, this is Bob. Bob and Henry say "Hi" to each other.
Meeting a Norwegian friend
In Norway, it works differently. You will be introduced if there is a practical reason to do so. Otherwise, you may be left standing not knowing what to do. It is not meant as rude, impolite or uneducated behaviour. It is simply more efficient and less risky not to introduce you. It prevents a potentially awkward conversation between people who are part of different social bubbles.
Two people that know each other meeting and catching up. A third person standing beside them thinking; Why isn't he introduce me? He dosen't like me It is because I'm a foreginer.
Norwegian parents invest a lot of time in the activities of their children. These organised activities are very important for their children.
This is where they can become friends with other children, and where parents can become friends with other parents.
It is important to sign kids up for organised activities in Norway. The frame activity is the first step towards a potential friendship. You need to navigate carefully. At this first fragile friendship stage, interactions are limited within the frame activity.
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Two pictures. One in a car with a parent driving kids to soccer. The kids thinking; "It's very quiet here." and "This is awkward", the parent thinking "I hope they become friends". The other picture shows parents at kids soccer game. Standing beside other parents, not talking.
Getting out of the social frames created by these activities is difficult. It may take months or years. First, socialise within the secure framework of an activity. Build trust, contribute, be part of the social bubble that forms around the activity.
Two pictures. One in a car where a parent is driving kids to soccer. The kids enjoying themselves and talking. In the other picture parents are at their kids soccer game, now talking to the other parents.
Later you may try to get out of that bubble. Do something with some people you appreciate more than others. But remember, the threshold is high. Invite someone to do something outside the frame and you may end up with the whole bubble following.
You need to have a good reason, a birthday for example. And you need to leave an exit door. The person must not feel like he or she owes you something.
Norwegians like to keep their independence. Take Norwegians out of the social bubble carefully.
Two people pulling each other out of their current social bubble.
Independence in friendships
Humans feel they need to give back if they first are offered something. This is called the reciprocity principle. Once we accept a gift, we feel like we owe something back. This feeling is very strong and Norwegians are highly uncomfortable with it, both for themselves and towards others.
Norwegians do not want to owe each other anything. This is to keep their independence. Unless you are very good friends, over many years, owing something to someone is a very uncomfortable feeling.
People coming to a dinner party. The guest saying; "Thank you for inviting us", the hosts say; "Welcome!"
Norwegians will try to re-establish equilibrium sometimes in ways that may appear plain rude in other cultures. Norwegians do not want to be rude, they actually want you to feel good. Norwegians feel good when things are equal. They want things to be equal. Friendships need to be equal. The investment of time, energy and resources need to be equal, at all times.
Understand this and you will have understood a lot about Norwegian friendships.
Guests leaving a dinner party, saying: "Let us know how much we owe you, and we will vipps you right away!"
Norwegians may want to pay you back for the dinner you made for them, right away. Do not get surprised or saddened. They want to be your friends, but they want to be equal. Unless you are good friends already, do not give more than you receive.
Otherwise, you will make Norwegians feel uncomfortable in the newly born friendship. Norwegians need to feel like they can leave the friendship at any time. They need to feel that they have an opportunity to escape.
They need an exit door.
At a picnic, a friendly BBQ in the park, Norwegians will bring food. Every person and family will prepare something. All friends will do the same. And everyone will eat their own food and only their own food. They are keeping their independence.
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Four people in the park having a barbecue. One person asks the others; "Is this my sausage or yours?"
Independent and efficient friendships
In a Norwegian friendship you will be careful about investing more effort than the other. You will drive or pick up a friend if it is practical for you, if it does not require more time or cost for you to drive than for him to take public transport or walk.
Comfort is not an issue here.
If a friend drives you home or picks you up, he may drop you off 200 metres away from your house because it is more practical and you both save time.
Norwegians are uncomfortable with others spending their time on them. It is about being as efficient and as equal as possible. It is about keeping the independence between friends. If it is obvious that one of the friends would make a larger contribution, both would lose their independence.
This is uncomfortable for Norwegians until a friendship is well established. This may take several years. As a foreigner you will learn to become independent.
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Two people in a car in the snow. The driver asks the passenger; "You can walk form here, right?" The passengers house is at the end of a road far from where the car is.
Psychological space
Norwegians keep a distance in their friendships and relationships. A distance that can easily be misinterpreted by a foreigner as a lack of interest.
It is not necessarily a lack of interest, friendships simply mean something
different in Norway.
The threshold to be invited to meet with friends of friends is high unless you take part in the same activities, or there is a practical reason to introduce you, like a birthday or a party.
When you do get invited to a birthday or a party, you may easily identify the different frame activities your host takes part in. People will group themselves and talk mostly to those they do an activity together with, or know from before. Norwegians will often sit down, making it even more difficult to come in contact with those you did not know already.
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A party where several people stand in groups talking to people they already know. One person standing alone thinking; I hope this will not be awkward.
The Norwegian law of
social interaction
1. Do not talk to strangers
2. Do not stand close to others
3. Do not touch
4. Do not owe anything to others
5. Do not pay for others
6. Do not issue an invitation without a reason
7. Do not show or discuss emotions
8. Do not depend on others
9. Do not show interest towards others
10. Do not exaggerate feedback
Two people shaking hand standing far apart.
Sources:
- Bourrelle, Julien S.: The Social Guidebook to Norway – An illustrated introduction (2022) Drammen, Mondå forlag
- Bourrelle, Julien S.: The Social Guidebook to Norway 2 – Friendships and Relationships (2022) Drammen, Mondå forlag
Illustrations: Elise H. Kollerud
